I am currently wrestling with the thought of restlessness vs. running away. And at what point does feeding your soul it's every desire become negligently jumping ship? I'm very good at jumping ship. I know that's bad, but I am. It's a survival kind of instinct. Leave before you get hurt. Move before you get bored. Finish a book half way and then move onto the next because there is so much more to learn and you might not have enough time! And that brings me to another wrestle-worthy topic... Time. I always feel like I'm running out.
People tell me to finish school before moving to teach in another country, but the truth is I have had a handful of amazing yoga teaching opportunities in Nicaragua, Colombia, Panama, Canada, and a few others spattered around the globe. There is such competition in the yoga world of Hawaii. It is a beautiful place to teach and practice, but with so many amazing teachers, finding a job here is very hard. I left my old studio in January and have been having a hell of a time finding a new home base to teach from. However, I do have time constraints because I'm currently obtaining an art degree. Making traveling out of the country for extended periods of time difficult to swing. I was recently re-offered a job that I was offered several months ago and had to turn down because our timelines didn't line up. I'd need to be in Nicaragua in about fifteen days. This offer came at the turn of the new moon to cancer, as well as a time where I am particularly restless. I have plane tickets somewhere else already, I have commitments to other people.... But man was it hard to turn it down twice. It's a beautiful wellness resort, with a yoga deck overlooking the ocean and monkeys in their trees. Several world renowned teachers have taught there. Such an honor for them to ask me- twice- to live and teach with them.
I spent all day yesterday in a panic attack. I wanted to fly off and away. I wanted to jump ship. I was told by several people close to me that waiting is okay- the timing will line up for me and this beautiful resort. It will. But again, the feeling of running out of time crept up. What if I never make it there? What if?! .... Fuck what if. If I want to make it to Nicaragua one day, I will. I have a connection with the people there already, I can cultivate the bond and visit them in time. I have time. And I don't need to jump ship right now. It's not okay to abandon commitment the second something shinier comes along. One day. But not now. I've come to the conclusion that this second job offer was merely a reminder from the universe- I have many opportunities out there. I am a good yoga teacher. People want to hear what I have to say. People trust me to help and heal their bodies, and their hearts. I have a calling. And it isn't going anywhere. It doesn't matter that I am young. I am valid. Always.
My favorite artist, Trevor Hall, has a lyric that says, "Time is such a wonderful gift. You're not running out, you're really running in." And I love it. It is my mantra of late. I am running in. Running head first into a world of time and opportunity. No more half-assing. No more jumping ship. I'm in it for the long run- all of it. I have to trust the world's timing. We all do.
I'm busy working on my blog posts. Watch this space!